Taro Pies. :D

Dear self,

Haven't you learnt enough to know that judging would lead you down this path? And there's absolutely NO ONE to blame but YOURSELF. So suck it up and be a man about it.

Be pissed at yourself for all I care. Just quit ruining your image. This is not the kind of person you want to become. This is not what I would want for you. There isn't even any rational explanation on why you should feel this way. Where has your Ego gone to?? Fix this and get back on your feet.

Sure it sucks. Sure it's not easy. But life isn't. And after living for 2 whole decades, this should be engraved into your skull and be relatively more familiar than the A B C's.

You need to stop forming elitist images and judging people even if you don't say it out loud. Yes, karma is hell and now you're paying. Don't let yourself suffer anymore and just be cool about it. STOP BEING BLOODY PARANOID. It is not going to get you anywhere.

Anyway, why should you care. He's just another stranger and you've never cared much for strangers' judgements. So don't be bothered and stop judging others.

FIX IT. PRONTO.

Much love,

Superego.

This should work for now.

I shouldn't care. I shouldn't care. I shouldn't care. I shouldn't care. I shouldn't care. I shouldn't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care.

PRICK.

I hate having these kind of feelings. How can someone who is meant to be "out of sight, out of mind" be so bloody contradictory and be popping into my mind for a visit as if it's the most penetrable substance in the whole universe. Alright, so maybe it is partly my fault that it's so easily penetrable. But still...

I hate it that I keep thinking about you. I hate it that I'm feeling all overly emotional and neurotic. I hate it that I'm paranoid. I hate it that I'm falling hard. And mostly I hate the fact that I don't even know you at all. That goes to say, I don't even exist in your world. Maybe not yet. Maybe never. Do I even have cognitive resources left to shoulder this kind of load??

My heart's getting tired. That, and I need to keep my image. I'm not about to lose my mind over someone I don't know. Boy, you don't know how strong your halo effect is on me. I can't even believe that I've used psychological terms to rant in this post. Bloody hell, maybe I am losing my mind.

BUMMER. I shall not bother about you. I shall keep calm and SMELL~

SO LONG, PERSON THAT I STILL DO NOT KNOW :)

I'm back again to rant out my thoughts.
If you can even call this a rant.

Envy. It's everywhere in my body.
Sometimes it takes over with a mind of its own. Sometimes rationally, sometimes insanely.

When I was 13, I set out on a mission to discover "my true self". With every year, that term brought more uncertainty and I kept telling myself that it will come eventually. Afterall, aren't these things one of those that comes with time? Well... I wasn't exactly right. What I'm not sure is whether I was wrong either.

7 years later and I feel like I've ran miles but I find myself at the exact same spot I was nearly a decade ago. I thought it would have come by now. Some light or some sign. Some certainty about this being that I am. About who I am, what I'm doing here. Find some purpose in this life. Find a purpose in living this life even. But I haven't. I haven't discovered anything. Haven't really experienced anything.

Envy. That's where the envy always is.
Envy that other people are so certain of who they are and why they are here.
Envy that other people have found their purpose in life.
Envy that other people are so comfortable with their life that they are living it instead of thinking of how to live it.
Envy that other people turn out as how they would naturally turn out.

Being so easily influenced, being someone who is a mix of everyone she's met...is really no joke.
I don't even know whether I'm drowning in my bubble or in the feat of the world.

Envy for that everyone is getting along with their lives. And I'm still stuck here reminiscing about the past and wishing time did not pass so fast. Karma that is the future. How ironic.

Tell me how to handle goodbyes.

ESL IS SUCKING THE LIFE OUT OF ME.

Yes, like a bloody Dementor.

It's one of those times again when my mind just won't stop replaying the past and how things were better than. Then it comes back to the current reality and everything just seems bleak. Super bleak. Maybe trips down memory lane are what keeps us all sane.

I knew two birds from the same nest that wanted the same thing - to leave the nest. Over time, one started trimming its wings, abolishing all hope to ever leave the nest. The other however, kept trying and trying. No one knows what happened to them. Neither do I. Hah.

Point is, there is no point. The vicious cycle will continue like the vicious cycle it is. Some fight against it, some just let it have its way. I'll let you decide. Story of my life, isn't it?

You, I don't know what the fuck you want from me. Just get it and go.

Happy Binary Day. Nerds have failed me. So have numbers.

I didn't think I would have made it this far. I honestly thought that some part of me will fail before I reached 20 or something else would have fucked up. But it didn't (irrational judgements I presume) and here I am.

10.10.2010 The day I turned 20.
I still don't know why I'm here. How I got here (non technical wise, of course). And what I'm supposed to do now. Special date or not, I'm still stuck in this surreal cycle with so many questions to which no one can give me an answer that will satisfy my curiosity. Waiting is alright. Even routine is alright. But not knowing at all, I'm insecure that way.

Oh well, at least thousands of people are gonna celebrate their wedding anniversaries on this day (yip.pee.) and someone's got to make the balance right. That's right, I'll pass.

Have a good one y'all. Just let me have some good sometime too.